Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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