One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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