I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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