Someone shit on the floor
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
