my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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