I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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