nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
