we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
