Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
