you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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