i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The air was thick with penises
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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