My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
