I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
