I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
