mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
