Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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