I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She needs sedatives and a leash
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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