Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
