I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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