I have demons in me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
