i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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