my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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