and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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