i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
