Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
