I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize