hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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