I accidentally had phone sex last night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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