is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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