If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize