um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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