The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We were destined to go to rehab together
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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