ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
