You're my little dorito
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
