wanna go halves on a baby?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
