barbara walters just said penis...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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