You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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