i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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