Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
