you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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