did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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