FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
