I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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