i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
