DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
