I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
