made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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