there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
