If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
