I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm passing your future prison.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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