I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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