My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
