Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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