Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
