I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
