My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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