mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
